"Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again." - Buddha
Over the past few years, I have been in awe of how fast time passes. In 2016, I marveled at how I spent 10 years in a home that I only intended on spending 5 in, if that. At the end of 2018, I paused when I realized that 2 years have already passed since I moved to Georgia.
2018 has been a unique year for me, my deepest plunge into the unknown yet. For a lot of that year, I felt like someone who has woken up in the dark. I let my eyes adjust looking for some glimmer of light. Then, I felt around, making sure I kept my footing, afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Towards the end of the year, I snapped out of the uncertainty. I kicked in like I do when I'm driving through a tunnel. I hate driving through tunnels. I feel claustrophobic. Tunnels feel unnatural to me, and I can't wait to get the hell out of them. Before I get too panicky, I just calm myself with the knowledge that the tunnel will end quickly, and I will see the light. The tunnel walls won't close in, and I will be in the open air, again. With those thoughts, I cruise right through it. That's how I shot out of the cannon of my doubt. I knew it wouldn't last, and I pushed ahead, like I always do.
New year's reflections
As I enter this new year, I recognized that, in the midst of all my confusion, I learned myself even more. I became more sure of myself than I have ever been. I see myself more clearly now than I ever have before.
I have recognized habits and patterns that don't work for me anymore. I noticed that, when I start something new, I come from a place of not wanting to screw it up. Then, I remembered: the best results come from calm. I've seen that over and over again. The only thing anxiety produces is more anxiety.
Now, I come from a mindset of, no matter what the experience turns into, it's valuable. If whatever I do ends up exactly how I intended, that's great. If I make an error and have to self-correct, the lesson I learn is wonderful. I rid myself of the shame attached to making a mistake.
At the same time, I've learned to embrace aspects of me that do work. For me, one of those is my sharp and quick brain. I connect the dots before you even finish talking. I used to make fun of myself for that because it would lead me to be overly-analytical. Now, I am grateful for my agile mind. It's gotten me far.
As I head into 2019, I appreciate how much I have grown in darkness. So much was new for me, and I banged my head against the wall as I was sifting and sorting. I know now, I don't need to do that. Just like when I drive, I know I'll make it through any tunnel. I realized I don't need to look for the light because the light comes from within. That's what guides me and never fails me.
Until next time... look behind and beyond the veil...