The Blonde and the Brown
A few nights ago, I was out watching a band. My view was somewhat obstructed because I was sitting at the bar, and, instead of being onstage, the singer spent a lot of time working the crowd. But his voice was unmistakable. It had that rock n’ roll growl that I like. I was sitting there trying to enjoy the show when an inebriated Heather Locklear wannabe with too much lip filler kept accosting me and my friend with her deep knowledge of Indian culture.
She became offended when we had the audacity to disagree with her take and pretty much had no fucking idea what she was talking about. We both tried to diffuse her and ignore her for the most part. She sat right next to me, so she kept trying to engage me in conversation which was part her to trying justify herself and part her trying to engage me in inane chit-chat.
She asked me how old I was, and I told her I am 44. “You don’t look it.” Immediately followed that bit of demographic information. Then, “Do you have kids?” After I responded with a matter-of-fact, “No.” Her next question was, “Are you a lesbian?” To which, I responded with, “No, I just didn’t want to have kids with just anybody.” Then, she agreed with me and affirmed that it’s best not to have kids if you don’t want them, as if I needed her to sign-off on that. Her ridiculous question and ensuing comments instantly squashed any inclination to keep placating her. Then I thought. Wow. You’re ignorant. I ignored her after that.
The Runaway Bride
First of all, why would not having kids make someone a lesbian? As if your sexual orientation has anything to do with it. Some lesbians do choose to have children. That’s exactly what having children is: a choice. Unless I’m asking you to help me raise them, whether or not I have children is a choice that has nothing to do with you.
I don’t have children right now because I want to give them the best I can possibly give them at the start. At the least, I can choose a partner who loves me and helps me grow, and I would do the same for him. That is the relationship model I want to give them. If I had them before now, I would not have been able to give them that.
I have been in love twice in my life. Both times, I was the runaway bride. When I knew a relationship wasn’t going to keep me happy for the rest of my life, I bailed. I had no intention of potentially fucking up at least two peoples’ lives if I went against my own intuition. I didn’t want to get divorced, or worse, stay in something that doesn’t work because I was afraid to be alone. I never was afraid to be alone, and I never will be. I would rather be happy, free, and on my own instead of miserable, with someone just because that’s what’s expected, and trapped. Shame on me, if I would ever bring children into something I knew would fail to start with.
Happy and Free, So Let Me Be
I know a happy medium exists, and I know I will find it. I’m not going to let someone else define what that is and what should fulfill me as a woman. I’m lucky to live in a time where perspectives on the roles of women are expanding. It’s not just daughter, sister, wife, or mother, who you are to someone else that defines your womanhood. It’s more who you are for yourself and defined by yourself. You can mix all the other stuff in as you choose.
Right now, I do things that make me happy all day. My work is my passion. I decide my own schedule. I live the most authentic and organic life I can possibly live. I am the best I have ever been. Emotionally, I am in the best position to have children. However that happens is for me and the Divine to decide. Not some plastic shit-stirrer at a bar.
Until next time... look behind and beyond the veil...
Sameena K. Mughal, Author, Freelance Writer